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Friday, September 12, 2003

Pro Picks, Week 2: The Homo Bowl

I see that Jim McCabe has taken up the Pro Picks mantle for the Globe this year, doing basically what I intend to do here: carry on with what Norman Chad used to write. McCabe's column last week was decent, and we'll see how he is tomorrow. I will continue the prognostications every week in this space as well.

Last week was reasonably good for my picks, ending up with a 10-6 mark overall. If I can get to 10 wins every week, I will be doing fantastic. McCabe was 7-8, and several other "experts" were bested by Dimmy Karras. More of the predictions columns should admit that this is really based on guesswork and have some fun with it. After all, who actually had Houston beating Miami last week? Even Dom Capers had the Dolphins in his suicide pool.

And now we come to week 2, which features some juicy divisional matchups such as Tennessee-Indianapolis and NY Jets-Miami. But the best theatrics may come on Monday Night Football when Bill "The Homo" Parcells leads the Cowboys into Giants Stadium to take on Jeremy "The Homophobe" Shockey and New York. I'm most curious about how Al Michaels and John Madden will frame this subpolt to the game. Madden's take on homophobic epithets in sports should be priceless to hear.

Anyway, on to the picks.

New England at Philadelphia

Supposedly these are two Super Bowl contenders, or at least they were entering last week. Then the Patriots had a 360-pound DT return an interception for a touchdown against them and the Eagles had a 310-pound DT/tight end catch a pass against them for a first down. I'm looking forward to seeing more fat people running with the football this weekend.

Pick: Eagles

Houston at New Orleans

Texans, how could I have ever doubted you last week? Saints, how could I have ever picked you last week?

Pick: Houston

San Francisco at St. Louis

So Kurt Warner had a concussion but still played the rest of the game in New York. How do you have trouble gripping the ball, leading you to fumble six times, and yet manage to throw for over 300 yards anyway in the loss? Did St. Louis throw the ball 100 times or what? He's being replaced by Mark Bulger this week, who I'm told can't wear a speedo to the beach.

Pick: Rams

Chicago at Minnesota

Was that really Kordell Stewart at QB for the Bears last week, or is Henry Burris still running the show? Kordell's Pro Bowl season of two years ago remains one of the most amazing occurrences in the history of modern sport. Hopefully Chicago's misery will continue, fitting punishment for their "Bears presented by Ban One" sell out of the team name.

Pick: Vikings

Tennessee at Indianapolis

44-year-old Eddie Murray is back in the league, having joined the Titans following Joe Nedney's torn ACL on Sunday. The Colts, meanwhile, won last week on three field goals by their "liquored up" kicker. When field goals are what I write about, you know this game will be dull. But it's a key divisional matchup!

Pick: Titans

Cleveland at Baltimore

Bad offenses. Tune in for Kyle Boller's home debut and the Modell angle, if you need some reason. Plus, it's a key divisional matchup!

Pick: Ravens

Pittsburgh at Kansas City

Bombs away! This game should be the opposite of Cleveland-Baltimore--remember when the Steelers had a secondary?

Pick: Kansas City

Other Games

Atlanta over Washington, Green Bay over Detroit, Miami over NY Jets, Buffalo over Jacksonville, Seattle over Arizona, Tampa Bay over Carolina, San Diego over Denver, Oakland over Cincinnati, NY Giants over Dallas.